Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
This is snow laughing matter!
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
How Rudolf you to say that!
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
It's lit.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.