Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh

For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

I think you’re dandelion.

What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.

I am a mean green machine.

"A change of latitude would help my attitude."

What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.

Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?

I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.

You feta have a gouda birthday.

Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.

Can I also deposit my number into your phone?

I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.

Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.

What type of room do you eat? A mush room.

What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”

Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.

Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!

Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.

What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.

My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.

How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.

I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.

Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.

If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!

An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.

Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.

Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…

What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.

I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.

“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James

"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner

What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.

“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw

Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.

What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!

That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.

What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.

What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.

A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?

I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.