A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed
In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn
He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate
In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved
As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided
What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score
Now one hundred and forty-nine years
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero