With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
"Some people have no guts."
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Stay true to your shelf.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
I'd drink your bathwater.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.