Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.