Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
Potato puns are a-peeling.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.