Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
I'm the life of the paddy.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown