What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
You’re my #1 pick.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
Poor white splash.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!