“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
Nothing really mattress.
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
Life is brew-tiful!
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.