What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
Except the direction I'm walking in.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.