“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
It's always a first class trip with me.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
Do you have a tan, or do you always look this hot?
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!