Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
Summer should get a speeding ticket
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
I’m feelin’ pine.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.