My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.