Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"