I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?
I'm at my best during overtime.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t