How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
I'm pine-ing for you.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Snow on and snow forth.
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?