I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
Paddy like a rockstar.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
You’re wine in a million.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
Your good seed for the day.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
You are sweeter than 3.14.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
One more thyme.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp