What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
I like big books and I cannot lie.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Calm before the score
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?