49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!