Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
God was just showing off when he made you.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst