What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"Time to wine down."
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.