The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.

I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.

“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock

Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.

I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.

I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.

My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"

The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”

Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.

What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.

Readers do it by the book.

When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.

Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.

What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.

How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!

"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken

The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.

This summer is going swimmingly.

What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”

Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.

I love you a tot!

Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.

What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.

You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.

"Arithmetic"

Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.

– Judith Viorst

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason

Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.

I want you for no raisin.

There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.

I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.

"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?

What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.

I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”

Her: Huh?

Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.

Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.

What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth

What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.

You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.

Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.

Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.

“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”

- William S. Burroughs.

The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.

Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers