Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
You’re my #1 pick.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.