Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
"It's wine o'clock."
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
Can February March? No. But April May.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.