“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”

- Martin Mull.

What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.

Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.

What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

Yoda one for me!

Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

- Paul Curtis

What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel

Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!

I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.

Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.

Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!

What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.

What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?

What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.

Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.

If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!

If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.

Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.

How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.

That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.

It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.

What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.

"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."

- Unknown

What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.

If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!

What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.

What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia

Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.

“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown

I sulfur when you argon.

Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...

Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.

Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.

The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.

Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.

“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra

The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous

What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!

In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.

Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!

Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.