Icy what you did there.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
A witch burnt her butt on a candle.
She was angry. It was such a scandal.
She jumped on her broom
And zoomed to her doom.
Went too fast, so she flew off the handle!
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
After all is sled and done.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!