A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!

French, French Revolution

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”

Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date

“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown

What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.

If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.

“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”

- Jerry Seinfeld

Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.

“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid

Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.

A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.

Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.

Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”

Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.

You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.

Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.

How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.

Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?

Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.

‪This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus. ‬ ‪
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor‬.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!

The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.

Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.

He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.

"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."

– Sadhguru

Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.

Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.

Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?

What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?

A bird who can pluck itself.

Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.

“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”

- William Galvin.

I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”

Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.

Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.

Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.

What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly

You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.

You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.

What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.