The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
How hot does your gas oven get?
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.