What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
By the seat of one’s punt
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.