What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Love me do
Wear green, or leaf.
Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
You know what they say... Big Feet.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.