Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
You are my raisin to smile.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
I really like you. So does my wife.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.