What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.