If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
How hot does your gas oven get?
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.