Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.