Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
Beach you to it.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"