What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?