You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.