What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
when I’m with you.
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
You're my missing ingredient.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
I like you, you croc my world.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.