I whale-y like you.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss