What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William