She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
"Alcohol you later."
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
You're quite the catch, baby.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.