I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.

I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.

Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.

My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”

If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.

It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.

Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.

Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.

6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock

How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!

Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.

What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”

What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!

Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.

What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.

Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!

What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!

What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.

You're one in a melon.

Seas the day!

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.

I Got to Get You Into My Life

My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"

Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.

All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.

People are always after me lucky charms.

Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?

I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.

My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.

“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”

– Markus Zusak

I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.

"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.

There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...

Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing

“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”