Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
I whale always love you.
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.