I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
You are un-beer-lievable!
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize