Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)