My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.