What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
Sea you at the beach.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.