My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
How about a kanga-root?
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Baby, you're a firework.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.