Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
We bee-long together.
Live to tell the tail.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
We're donion rings.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mirra.
Mirra who?
Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.