Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
I hope for world peas.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.