What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
I followed my heart to you.
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.