Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Eddie edited it.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.