What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.