Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.