You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
How Rudolf you to say that!
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
You have one compact set.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"