"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
You may be flightless but you make my heart soar.
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”