“Monday should be optional.”
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Love me till ice cream.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?