I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
“The road to success is always under construction.”
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
I beacha miss summer already!
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!