There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Are you a booger? Because I want to pick you first.
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
I beacha miss summer already!
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.